So apparently they had the Olympic flame in Vancouver incarcerated in a prison camp-like compound and now they've fixed it so you can get a picture. I personally think there's a much bigger problem with this flame design, namely that it looks exactly like something from the Fortress of Solitude. Does Superman have a copyright infringement attorney? Anyway, the flame imprisonment hasn't even been the only problem in Vancouver, some are saying it's the worst Olympics ever, and the ratings have been poor, with NBC's broadcast of the games actually losing to American Idol.
In the hope that these problems can be turned around in the remaining week or so of this year's Winter Games, and that future competitions will run more smoothly, I humbly offer the following suggestions:
1. Anything with judges is not a sport. I know a lot of people like figure skating and stuff like that, but athletic competition is about winning, not about looking as if you've won. Did anyone ever say, "Favre has thrown a touchdown that could have won the game, but the judges awarded him only five points because he threw off his back foot!" Or that Gretzky didn't deserve an assist because he didn't spin the right way? Get rid of all the judges. The only exception would be the snowboarding halfpipe, because, let's face it, that's cool.
2. All the skating events should be full contact sports. This way you can keep figure skating, the competitors can do whatever fancy moves they want but there will always be one other skater or pair on the ice at the same time who get to knock them down. Whoever's still standing at the end wins, and that's how you know who won, no confusion possible. Imagine how great speed skating would be with full contact, especially in the distance events where they cross over from inside to outside once per lap. They should be able to whack the hell out of each other at that point. All of these changes would be sure winners for TV ratings.
3. You know that weird sport, the biathlon, where they ski and shoot at targets? That's good as far as it goes, but it should be modernized so the competitors also carry hand grenades and use them to completely obliterate the targets after they hit them with a rifle shot. Mortars wouldn't hurt either.
4. VANOC? In case you don't know that's the acronym of the Vancouver Organizing Committee of the Olympic games. Who thought of that exactly? It sounds like the name of a military junta in Myanmar. Change that. It's Vancouver, the west coast, right? How about The Olympic Organizing Dudes, or TOOD. As in, we have a really relaxed TOOD.
5. The Olympics is all a sham, we all know that, none of the athletes are amateurs at all, they're paid by their country or some corporate sponsor. There's nothing wrong with that, but if it's going to be pro sports, let's make it pro sports. You should be able to trade Olympic athletes just like you trade guys in hockey and baseball. Some of our winter athletes aren't cutting the mustard? Trade them to Djibouti or Kenya where no matter how bad they are at winter sports they'll be the best in the country. In exchange Canada gets some middle and long distance runners for the summer games. It's win-win. Plus it advances the mission of the Olympic games to foster international understanding and will allow greedy sports agents to get involved, which is always fun to read about.
I don't see a downside to any of these suggestions. Write your MP today. Flood them all with emails. You know what to do.
